Catholic and Loving it!

Not so long ago a comment was left on this very blog by Kathleen Lundquist, a lady who is involved the production of music which, frankly, is not my cup of tea. You can hear samples of her folk and pop music on her website. She is clearly very talented but it's just not my thing.

I'm not the sort to refuse help to someone just because she has the kind of drippy voice my wife likes so when Kathleen asked for tips/advice when visiting England I decided to come up with a list of handy tips.

Rent a Car

There used to be something in England called 'British Rail' and they used to run the trains badly, so to improve things they divided the rail network in to parts which are now all ran badly by different rail companies. This is called progress and it is a good thing because it means the trains are painted in different colours in different parts of the country, However, the rail companies do not manage the tracks. The tracks themselves are looked after by Railtrack which is now called Network Rail. In the great tradition of British Railways they look after them badly.

I recommend hiring a car for two reasons. Firstly, to avoid the trains which are universally rubbish with the exception of the North Yorkshire Moors Railway and any other steam powered entheusiast ran services. But also, because in a car you can do things you simply can't do by train. One advantage is that you can leave when you like (hardcore people can get up early and visit an extra castle, lazy people can sleep in and not worry about missing the train). The main advantage of going by car is this: You can see more stuff. If you are going from Hull to Durham you can pull in to Richmond and see the castle. There is no train station in Richmond. By train you miss the castle.

Devils Advocate: If you go any distance by car in England you travel on motorways that al look the same, if you travel by train you go right through the middle of towns and cities that all look different. If you go from Hull to Durham you probably get to see York, Darlington and Durham. Only briefly of course though you could hop out of the train and catch the next one if the timetable permits.

I suppose it depends what you're in to. If you like cities then trains can be okay (be warned though, all the dirty old run down factories are next to the tracks and bits of England look pretty grim by train) if you like countryside and castles car might be better (be warned though the motorways skip the cities and you miss out on those).

Brown Signs

If you are in a car, you will see signs like this:

Brown signs are signs for attractions and often have words of just pictures. If you are feeling adventurous you can just follow them but they are also handy for instance if you know you are going to a castle you might see a brown sign with a castle on it.

Ordnance Survey

Ordnance basically means stuff you fire at people in a war. Firing stuff can be tricky because hills and churches with spires can get in the way. In England the government wanted to be able to fire things at people wherever they were so they did an Ordnance Survey which is a good thing because it means we have really good maps. I have no idea if that story is true. Whatever the truth, Ordnance Survey maps are brilliant. They come in two flavours, 'Landranger' is for driving about the place and is 1:50,000 scale and has everything you need over a huge area (let's say you won't be walking across it). The other flavour is 'Explorer' which is 1:25,000 scale and still good for driving.

Ordnance Survey maps tell you everything there is to know about a piece of countryside. You can check them out for free online at multimap.co.uk which is great but there's no substitute for the real thing folded out on a table in front of you to explore. Take for instance this map of Richmond:

You can see there is a castle, a priory and an abbey. There's a waterfall, steep roads (the > symbol points downhill) and some kind of tower (Twr). Note Wks does not mean walks but works (as in industrial works). It's all happening in Richmond. You'll want to find out more of course before you drive all the way there but that's only 1:50,000. The 1:25,000 probably shows even more. Ordnance Survey maps have taken me on loads of adventures like the time we dragged Cathsoc to see the 10 commandments stone:

It was great. You just don't find things like that in the tourist information office. It makes me want to go and see what 'Lovers Leap' is all about (a waterfall perhaps?). The 'hut circle' is probably not very exciting (but you never know).

Beware: Ordnance Survey maps are great for getting an idea of an area and driving around (especially countryside areas) but they have a problem: no street names. If you are visiting something in a city (York Minster, Durham Cathedral, etc) you will need a city map with street names. When you get lost you can pull the car over, read the street sign and look it up on the map.

Tourist Information

If you are visiting a city, by car or by train, make your first stop the Tourist Information centre. They are brilliantly helpful (the one in Hull is anyway) and will provide you with maps and advice. Just wander in off the street and say what sort of stuff you are in too and they will help you out. Sometimes they run guided tours. What is extra good about them is you can visit their website, look up the tourist information office you need and then just phone them and ask. They have opening times, ticket prices, everything.

To find tourist information just follow the signs, usually an italic i symbol in white on blue or blue on white or sometimes white on black.

Summary

So, that's James' tips for visiting England. Get OS maps and glance around for cool stuff, get in the car and go. A really good idea is to phone ahead to tourist information to see if things are open. In fact, if you phone now and ask really nicely they might post leaflets and stuff over to you in the states. Be flexible, follow whims, enjoy yourself.

Warning: The following information may frighten and disturb the feint of heart. I am about to expose a vast global conspiracy to hide the truth and destroy the world, nay, the universe!

Oh sure, you say. Everybody knows about those. We've all heard of Opus Dei, the Illuminati, 9/11 and the New World Order, the Moon Landing Hoax, Area 51, not to mention the Bishops Conference of England and Wales. Relax. None of that stuff exists.

This is real.

The Proof?

Numerology tells all!

What I am about to tell you is Pure. Hard. Science. Numbers never lie because they are facts. Facts are always true. Numbers are always true.

The Biblical precedent is undeniable. Jesus tells us to forgive 7x7x7 times. In Revelation we hear about the 144000 and everybody has heard about 666. The number of the beast.

The message is clear. Numbers are your friends. Everybody heed the numbers.

So what do the numbers tell us about the Faith Movement?

Everybody knows how it works. A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4, etc, etc. We can calculate the numerological value of a thing like this:

FAITH MOVEMENT
(6+1+9+20+8) + (13+15+22+5+13+5+14+20) = 151

So what? So the Faith Movement = 151. What does it all mean?

SATANIC BUNNIES
(19+1+20+1+14+9+3) + (2+21+14+14+9+5+19) = 151

The Numbers have spoken! For those of you lacking mathematical skills let me explain:

FAITH MOVEMENT = SATANIC BUNNIES

This evidence is indisputable. Remember. Numbers are FACTS.

It gets worse.

As you know (or would, if you were as familiar as with the seedy underbelly of this movement as I am) one of the central tenets of the Satanic Bunnies (Faith Movement) is the Law of Control and Direction. What do the numbers say?

THE LAW OF CONTROL AND DIRECTION
(20+8+5) + (12+1+23) + (15+6) + (3+15+14+20+18+15+12) + (1+14+4) + (4+9+18+5+3+20+9+15+14) = 303

BUNNIES HERETICAL SYNTHESIS
(2+21+14+14+9+5+19) + (8+5+18+5+20+9+3+1+12) + (19+25+14+20+8+5+19+9+19) = 303

THE LAW OF CONTROL AND DIRECTION = BUNNIES HERETICAL SYNTHESIS

I felt my blood chill when I discovered this. It can be no coincidence. Numbers do not lie. The Law of Control and Direction is none other than the Satanic Bunnies Heretical Synthesis.

Synthesis? What's that got to do with anything? You just threw that word in so everything would add up!

Not so. Do not doubt the numbers. They know more than you think.

One of the main texts of the Heretical Bunnies (Faith Movement) is Catholicism: A New Synthesis by Edward Holloway.

What is this "New Synthesis"?

A NEW SYNTHESIS
(1) + (14+5+23) + (19+25+14+20+8+5+19+9+19) = 181

APOSTATE BUNNIES
(1+16+15+19+20+1+20+5) + (2+21+14+14+9+5+19) = 181

A NEW SYNTHESIS = APOSTATE BUNNIES

There is nothing more tragic in our world today than an Apostate Bunny. So cute. So lost. So tragic. Pray for them.

I think we can all agree the Satanic Bunnies must be stopped. The Heretical Synthesis cannot be tolerated. But where to begin? So many members of the Faith Movement are just poor lost Apostate Bunnies. Who is the mastermind behind the mischief?

A well known Faith priest perhaps?

TIM FINIGAN
(20+9+13) + (6+9+14+9+7+1+14) = 102

BUNNY GOD
(2+21+14+14+25) + (7+15+4) = 102

TIM FINIGAN = BUNNY GOD

Holy Hermeneutic Batman!

The Bunny God and his Apostate Bunnies will devour us all!

Two lessons from the goats today...

Firstly, Taking religion seriously:

Nepal airline sacrifices goats

Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said on Tuesday.

...

The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft on Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.

...

It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities.

[full story]

Secondly, Taking goat trauma seriously:

Goat Trauma Stats

Each year, over 6000 people are traumatized by goats in the United States alone.

If a child is traumatized by a goat before age five, he/she is five times more likely to become some form of social deviant.

If treatment is received promptly, many of the extremely damaging effects of a goat trauma can be cured.

When given a choice four out five goats will attack a child before attacking either another goat or an adult.

These same goats will choose to assault an adult over another goat more than three times out of five.

There are over 50,000 petting zoos in the United States.

The majority of goat traumas occur before age eight and after age fifty-two.

In a scientific experiment, seven out of ten goats prefer man-made fibers over natural fibers.

[The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation]

You have been warned.

The Greatest RSS Story Ever Told!

Really Simple Salvation?

Meme is the word. All over the web crazy subscriber hungry bloggers have been in an arms race of literally epic proportions, literally, trying to build the worlds largest rss button.

Some of my readers probably might not know what RSS is. You can find out here.

Not one to let a good bandwagon go by I decided to leap aboard with the largest most religious rss button in the world ever!

So do the decent thing, subscribe to my feed and tell your friends. Why not Digg a little?

Sitting a large dining room, Susan and Wayne's wedding reception going on around me, I tried to keep Leona entertained by pointing out items in a book of nursery rhymes Susan and Wayne had thoughtfully left by her place at the table. Leona is a bit young for books but it was, apparently, quite good for chewing on (it being a book made entirely of cloth). Anyways... As I pointed things out in said book I said to Leona "that's a cow, but you've seen cows before... have you?" and I realised. No. Leona will be six months old on Wednesday but she has yet to see a cow. I am a bad parent.

[note: Leona has seen Sheeps and Frogs and Fishes and Llamas and the moon (which we like) that you may recall the cow jumped over]

Sidetracked again. What was my point. Oh yes:

Leona seen more weddings than cows.

[Not many people can say that]

The point is, we've been to a lot of weddings lately. In the anteleonian period we went to the weddings of Matt and Steph, Kirsty and Mark, then Liz and Chris, not to mention our own. Since Leona joined us we've been to the weddings of Alex and Giselle, Ben and Hannah and now, this weekend, Susan and Wayne.

This all got me thinking, you might suppose we would be all weddinged out by now. Once you've seen one wedding you've seen them all... wrong again. Actually we never cease to be impressed at the love people can have for one another - and I don't mean just the couple, I mean the family and friends, brothers, sisters, cousins, parents, best men, bridesmaids... ...

So, where to begin. I got a slightly different angle at this wedding than usual being the husband of a bridesmaid. Firstly, I was in the same building as Susan's Hen Party the other week which was frightening. Ella made lots of new friends including Brandi who was kind enough to invite us to stay at her house the night before the wedding. We drove down to Loughborough and dumped our stuff at Brandi's before going to the wedding rehearsal. Wedding rehearsals are a funny thing because it's never the same as the actual wedding and nobody knows what's going on anyway so I sat at the back with Leona and her new friend Toni and we played with Leona's cuddly Lion.

Usually when you are going to a wedding you roll out of bed late and get to the church for 2ish. This morning of the wedding Ella had to be at Susan's house in her bridesmaid capacity so it was up early, Brandi had croissants and made real coffee which was great. I had to design and style Ella's hair in a hurry and I think I did an excellent job - these are the unsung skills husbands require.

Leona, Toni and I didn't have to be there quite so early so we watched Ed, Edd and Eddy and then went to Tesco's to buy Toni some shoes. When we arrived at Susan's I experienced for the first time what it is like to be at the Bride's house the morning of a wedding. There were bridesmaids all over the place and lots of tension but little panic. Everything seemed to work out okay and before I knew it I was in the front garden taking photos of beautiful girls.

We drove to the Church ahead of the bride and took more bridesmaid photos outside the Church complete with 'lunge' (where the photographer says '1, 2, 3, lunge' and the girls all lunge forward as he takes the picture). Then we were hustled inside the church by Wayne's burly friends and after a short wait the bride arrived. Susan looked great and entered to the tune of 'Susan Marie' a wedding march composed by her husband to be.

I always feel a strange mixture of depression and amusement in a Church full of the unchurched. I overheard a woman in a very long trailing dress announce to her husband that if she had known it was a Catholic church she would have worn tights. Nobody knew when to sit/stand and the priest didn't give any clues. However the service was, as the old ladies say, lovely. I saw some teary eyes and no surprise. Leona was well behaved throughout (apart from a little crying near the end) and much better than that screeching baby I could hear but couldn't see.

Yes, the wall behind the altar really is a ghastly shade of purple. No, the priest didn't look quite that sinister on the day. At the end Susan and Wayne skipped out of the church to "you shall go out with joy" and received a generous dose of confetti and wooden spoons (and a teddy).

So, the wedding over we began the epic journey to the reception. Loughborough University Campus is like Fort Knox and Imago have not made Burleigh Court easy to find. The security guard told us the wrong car park but fortunately Susan's brother (we formed a convoy) asked a passing student and got clues. We made it in time for, well, we made it on time actually. I had a beer while Ella breast fed Leona and I tried to recover from the price of the beer - £3.15 for a pint of Carling is shocking. Still, that's pretty much par for the course when it comes to wedding venues. The important thing is Leona now had a belly full of milk and we enjoyed watching Susan and Wayne's jaws grow ever more painful as the photography wore on.

Susan's appeared to seize up at one point:

Time for food.

The meal of course is the main event and the moment where this blog entry comes full circle. Susan and Wayne left a book of nursery rhymes at Leona's place and we entertained her with them while and learned the secret identity of the shrieking baby from the ceremony. A moment of panic came and went when we thought the meal was sandwiches but then it turned out there was lots of other food and we heaved a sigh of relief. The speeches were excellent, Wayne's brother put together a a fantastic speech which ranks as the best best man speech we have ever heard.

Then they cut the cake. The cake, the cake, the cake. What can I say? Ella and I wanted a castle with dragons and a princess but Ella's mum said no (cue pantomime boooooing). Susan and Wayne's cake was amazing:

...and then, of course, the party...

It's impossible not to feel a slight pang of guilt as all the families with babies gradually drift away leaving only the irresponsible parents of Leona. I feel, however, perfectly justified in keeping her up. For a start, it's not like she doesn't keep up up and secondly, she was loving it. Music. Flashing Lights. People Dancing. Baby heaven indeed. We sat away from the speakers to keep the decibels reasonable and Leona went on as she always does - playing and sleeping.

Wayne and friends are quite musical and so there was live music which was excellent. Susan threw the bouquet which her sister caught and then Wayne did the whole garter thing (the photos are not suitable for a family blog) and Susan's sister's boyfriend caught it. It's a fix.

Then, at 11pm a work of genius occured.

Now I have heard of many great wedding ideas in my time. I've seen little bags of sugared almonds before, I've seen little cards with peoples names on. Today they even had CDs recorded by the groom with his 1978 guitar at every table but now I am about to reveal the secret to the perfect wedding. James' top wedding tip as stolen from Susan and Wayne is this: at 11pm, provide your guests with bacon/sausage sarnies. Genius.

Like so many good nights before it, this one drew to a close long before anybody wanted it too but not until. We tired ourselves out and unlike Leona we couldn't have a quick nap in the car seat and then get going again. Bed called at 2ish, a great time, as they say, having being had by all.

We got up for breakfast at 8am the next morning and were impressed to find the bride and groom managed it also. We wish Susan and Wayne best for the future and look forward to seeing them at the baptism.

a.k.a. if only I had a device for recording phone calls

We left nPower ages ago. I would advise you to do the same. I just received a phone call from them that went something like this (my memory isn't perfect you know).

** phone rings, I answer **

Her: Hello can I speak to Mr and Mrs Price please.

Me (charitably ignoring the request to speak to two people): Er.. Do you mean Preece?

Her (sounding iritated): Yeah.

Me: Oh, well, speaking.

Her: I'm just calling because, did you used to be one of our customers?

Me: Er, I don't know, you haven't told me who you are.

Her (really iritated now): I'm calling from nPower, it's normal for nPower to call customers who have left to see how they are getting on? (she said it like a question)

Me: We're getting on fine.

Her: Can I ask why you left nPower?

Me: Because you can't get our name right after countless times of asking, and you gave us loads of agro and... (I decided not to have a go at her inability to conduct telephone conversations) ...just no.

Her: Okay then, thankyou for your time.

Friends don't let friends use nPower.

It seems only yesterday she was born, then she was named, then she was three months old. Now, she is SIX months old!

Time flies by when you're having fun!

In the last three months Leona has come along in leaps and bounds. She's had solid food (okay so not that solid)...

[if this spoon is in your house and you recently returned from a honeymoon in Ireland can we have it back now please]

She's been standing up (with a little help)...

Munching on Giraffes (no assistance required)...

Growing her feet...

Growing and Growing...

Yes, that is the same babygrow.

...and tiring us out!

Michelle and Jessica came over and Ella made a birthday cake and Leona couldn't blow the candle out but we sang Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Half Birthday Leona!

Whohitwhowiththewhatnow?

British musicians recorded the classic Irish hymn, "Sweet Heart of Jesus," in a calypso, disco style and sent it to Pope Benedict XVI on an iPod nano.

What shall we do tonight Pinky? Umm. Oh I know. How about Sweet Heart of Jesus in a calypso, disco style. Great idea Brain. Maybe the Pope would like that. Let's send it to him on an iPod nano.

Or not.

Pope Benedict might like it, or he might become the first pontiff in history to throw an iPod into the trash.

The musicians' intention, however, was to soften the pope's attitude toward modern church music.

There's nothing modern about "Calypso, disco style" you losers.

The gift is from contemporary Catholic songwriters Jo Boyce and Mike Stanley, and it features a new album of classic hymns reworked in modern forms of music. The duo has used instruments such as pianos, saxophones, guitars, drums and synthesizers to recreate centuries-old works in laid-back gospel, folk, funk, soul and lounge-music styles.

I might have bloody well known. Boyce and bloody Stanley. The British answer to Marty Haugen. Only that's not fair on the Scots, Welsh and Irish is it. The English answer to Marty Haugen. Resplendent with lyrics such as "is here in bread and wine for me". That's sure to soften the pope's attitude.

The album, "Age to Age," was downloaded onto an iPod and sent to Pope Benedict in the hope of gaining a "papal seal of approval," said a Sept. 4 press release by the Catholic Communications Network of the Bishops' Conference of England and Wales.

You want a papal seal? Here you are:

Arf! Arf!

That's as close as you're gonna get.

Going to mass getting you down?

"Robot" is a bit of a stretch, actually. IvanAnywhere is basically a coat rack on wheels with attached speakers, camera and touch-screen computer.

The first step towards Digital Parishoners?

Want to win yourself an easy $30million?

All you have to do is go to the moon and Google will give you the cash.

It might be tricky. It's up there very high, but not as high as maybe, derigibles and zeppelins and lightbulbs.

I wonder how much they would give me for inventing image preloading on the javascript rollovers they've got going on over there?

People who want to receive a relic "ex indumentis" -- from the clothing -- or a holy card of Pope John Paul II, may do so by writing to the Vicariate of Rome.

The Vicariate of Rome is accepting requests via mail, fax or e-mail for the religious items. The petition should be sent to "Holy Cards and Relics Service," and should indicate a shipping address.

The holy cards contain the prayer to obtain graces through the intercession of the Servant of God John Paul II and can be requested in English, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Polish and Portuguese.

So what do you do?

Send requests to:
Vicariate of Rome -- 3rd Floor
"Totus Tuus"
Piazza San Giovanni in Laterano, 6/A
Rome, Italy 00184

Tel: +39 06 69893723
Fax: +39 06 69886240

Or you could try the Vicariate's Web site

Good Luck

Ella, your services are no longer required. The digital sign language interpreter is here

Developed at an IBM research center in Hursley, England, the technology works "by using speech recognition to convert a conversation into text," after which SiSi "translates the text into the gestures used in sign language and animates a customizable avatar that carries them out." Currently, the system is still labeled a prototype and only works with British sign language, but there's already plans to commercialize the invention in due time.

Full story, including youtube clip: here.

From Mulier Fortis:

The Innocent Foundation is a grant giving charity, set up by Innocent Drinks, that works in partnership with community based projects and NGOs.

One of the charities they support is Womankind, a group that promotes abortion.

Like Mulier Says:

It's worth telling Innocent that funding abortion (even second-hand) is likely to lose them customers. Not to mention bringing the "Innocent" trademark into disrepute! It is possible to email linda@innocentdrinks.co.uk or go to the website.

[update: In the following sentences read 'she' where I have written 'he'.]

But then, he would say that wouldn't he. He has a vested interest:

He want's us to stop buying smoothies and start buying his rice.

Here's a resource for all you liturgical music arranging types. If you want to sing the psalm each week but don't have the l337 skills to read gregorian or what have you. Despair not. The Chabanel Psalm Project has all the psalms set to simple melodies based on traditional gregorian chant tones.

Check out this sunday (this sunday (24th Sunday of Ordinary Time) for example.

Now if only someone would do the same for the antiphons.

For Ella (because she's a girl - obviously)

Clearly, this woman has never seen our house.

Kitchen, 4 ½ minutes daily

• Wipe down the sink after doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher (30 seconds).
• Wipe down the stove top (one minute).
• Wipe down the counters (one minute).
• Sweep, Swiffer, or vacuum the floor (two minutes).

Dishwasher?

Bathroom, 2 minutes daily

• Wipe out the sink (30 seconds). Wipe the toilet seat and rim (15 seconds).
• Swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (15 seconds).
• Wipe the mirror and faucet (15 seconds).
• Squeegee the shower door (30 seconds).
• Spray the entire shower and the curtain liner with shower mist after every use (15 seconds).

Swoosh? Squeegee?

What kind of shower has a shower door and curtain liner?

Bedroom, 6 ½ minutes daily

• Make the bed (two minutes).
• Fold or hang clothing and put away jewelry (four minutes).
• Straighten out the night-table surface (30 seconds).

Fold or hang? Fold or hang? That's another 30 seconds down the drain.

Family room, living room, foyer, 6 minutes daily

• Pick up crumbs and dust bunnies with a handheld vacuum (one minute).
• Fluff the cushions and fold throws after use (two minutes).
• Wipe tabletops and spot-clean cabinets when you see fingerprints (one minute).
• Straighten coffee-table books and magazines, throw out newspapers, put away CDs and videos (two minutes.)

It's all obvious really. Get to it woman!

New Blog! Catholic Beer Review

Because Catholics like beer.

(well they should)

It's probably fair to say I was a bit harsh about Fr Massie and his digital ways. Tonight he did good. Firstly, we had a new rite latin mass. Later, he continued to teach us Gregorian Chant.

We are working through the Missa de Angelis in the plainsong for schools book. It's quite challenging when you don't know any of it but after several runs through we are getting somewhere. Fr Massie's friend Fr Augustine from Pluscarden was down for the night on his way to a meeting of novice masters (he's a monk and a novice master) and he was able to give us tips as well.

All in all, it's great to see that progress is possible and that Fr Massie is serious about getting this stuff in to some proper masses.

Speaking of people doing good. A chap called Rory (Opus Dei none Albino) comes to St. Joseph's on a wednesday night and does Men's Recollections (not for girls).

These are a good thing and it's a shame, nay, a crime that more men don't come to them.

I don't do it on purpose, but I'm a married man with a wife to work for and blogs don't write themselves!

If checking the blog for updates every day is getting you down, why not click the Email Subscribe link on the left - the good folks at feedburner will send you an email each time I update, no more checking for days and nothing to show for it. Better yet, if I update twice in one day, you only get one email.

Anyways, it's a handy thing if you want it. Take it or leave it.

Time for bed. See you later.

Is there some rule that says Catholic Diocese websites have to be even worse than the Bishops Conference website?

Still, at least you get to look at a lovely Cathedral. Bricktastic.

Update: Looks like they fixed it. Good stuff. The Middlesbrough website is now back to being better than the Bishops Conference one.

Flashback one week. "James, On Saturday 20th of October there's a day for Musicians being ran in Scarbrough by Paul Inwood ,do you wan't to go?"

Hmmm. Paul Inwood. I know the name but where from... oh yeah... I pull out Hymns Old and New to find his name in the 'By Author' section. He's not got much to his name in there but that's where I know the name. I do a quick google and one of the pages mentions Introits. "Yeah, okay, let's go to Scarbrough and see what it's like".

Suddenly, it's like Paul Inwood mania.

Fr. Z has gets hold of an email from Paul Inwood about the Motu Proprio allowing the celebration of the old rite. It's not good.

I attach an information piece that is due to appear in the forthcoming issue of our diocesan newspaper. I hope it will clarify some of the issues, particularly as regards our view that the Motu Proprio does not require bishops to provide training for priests or people who may become interested in the pre-conciliar form of the Roman Rite (now described by the Pope himself as "extraordinary" in the sense of "not normative"), but only asks them to make provision for those who have in the past made known their interest in a consistent and organized fashion.

Best wishes,

Paul Inwood

In one of the comments Berenike says:

Paul Inwood is a Haugen/Hass wannabe, if I am thinking of the right man, and I think I am. Vague memories of various Plymouth horror stories are stirring, but I can't remember what they are. Probably as well for my charity levels.

Next, on the Telegraph Blogs Damian Thompson weighs in with 'Is this why Catholics can't sing?'

Paul Inwood has made a fine living composing banal ditties

You can find excerpts from Inwood's music here (click on "compositions"). Warning: your toes will curl. Yet his music has featured in more TV and radio broadcasts of Catholic liturgies than that of any other living composer. And he also sits on the liturgical formation sub-committee of the Bishops' Conference.

...

A typical Inwood tune meanders up and down the scale, jumping the same intervals, supported by droopy harmonies. Many of the melodies are virtually indistinguishable from each other: you could programme a computer to write something very similar. (As an experiment, I have just sung the instructions on a packet of soap powder to an Inwood-style melody – it's very easy to do.)

...

How much money, I wonder, has the Catholic Church spent on this dreary stuff over the years?

Then, the Bishop of Portsmouth decides Paul Inwood's piece won't be appearing in the Diocesan Newspaper after all.

Most recently, it's back to the Telegraph where Damian Thompson is asking awkward financial questions about the Diocese of Portsmouth.

Magnificat publishes Masses that are used by hundreds of churches; many of these works were commissioned by Catholic dioceses. I’d like to know more about the company’s financial relationship – if any – to diocesan organisations in England and Wales.

Presumably, the many liturgical workshops run by Mr Inwood and advertised on the Magnificat website do not overlap with his role as salaried director of liturgy in any way. And presumably all the music sold by Magnificat is written in his spare time. I say “presumably” because Portsmouth has not answered any of the questions I emailed to its director of communications. I cannot even tell you how much Mr Inwood is paid. I also do not know the identity of the diocesan employee who is paid between £60,000 and £70,000 a year, according to Portsmouth’s 2006 accounts.

You can find excerpts from Mr Inwood’s pieces here (click on “compositions”). Incredibly, there is a hugely lucrative market in this liturgical pap, which elderly bishops think appeals to “young people”. But it’s not exactly an open market. When a diocese commissions a new Mass, the list of composers it considers is, shall we say, rather short.

So, lot's going on there then. The Music Day in Scarbrough should be interesting. I'll let you know how it goes.

Not a lot of people know this, but the Middlesbrough Diocese employs a Director of Adult Formation. Jane Cook is pretty darn good. I've met her once and she corrected me when I got something wrong. She's also written some great pieces for the Catholic Voice regarding adult formation and evangelisation.

Jane has been hard at work producing a Handbook of Short Courses for the Diocese. It might be good or it might not, I haven't seen it. You see, the launch in Hull was on Tuesday the 18th, three days ago. The diocese website has been broken, I only got hold of a copy of the voice today and nobody told me. Did anybody know? Did anybody go?

There's a lot of shocking quality religious video knocking around these days. Nine out of ten times the problem is the same - it's not real. It's people trying to 'get down with the kids' or what have you.

That Catholic Show isn't exactly professional. We like it and we enjoy it and we learn from it because we are convinced the people in it are actual Catholics and not ameture media types who don't really do religion but nobody else will accept their mediocre video skillz.

There's been eight episodes so far..

1. Sit, Stand, and Kneel
2. Candles and Light
3. Night of the Living Catechism
4. Charity and Mercy
5. Statues and Icons
6. You Are a Priest Forever
7. Water, Water Everywhere
8. I Confess

More please.

A meeting for the youth of Hull, aged 18-30, is taking place on Thursday 27th September at 7pm at St Charles Borromeo. The meeting will be an opportunity to discuss what you want to see happening in Hull for the youth.

Should be interesting.

I think most people are familiar with the "legend" of St. Francis of Assisi. He was the saint who could speak to animals, for this reason he is often portrayed conversing with birds or beasts.

But if people are incredulous when it comes to a man who can speak the gospel to animals, then they will be shocked to hear the other claim...

He could speak the gospel to Children.

It is only fitting then, that Fr. Massie took the opportunity to take the youth of his parish(es) to the Franciscans Friars of the Renewal in Bradford. The Fransiscan Friars of the Renewal may not speak to animals (at least, not in public) but they speak the Gospel to me, and I hope, to the kids Fr Massie brought from West Hull.

Before we could begin our journey however, Della (who we were giving a lift), Ella and I had to call in to P. Immison butchers on Boothferry Road to book a Goose (our Goose is Booked) for next week's Michaelmas celebraitons. That done, we were on our way. The journey to Bradford wasn't a race (that would have been dangerous) but everybody was trying to get there first. We nearly got lost in Bradford but had a jammy moment when I recognised the positioning of a couple of fields from a google maps aerial photo and knew the way. We got there second. Michelle foolishly tried to follow Fr Massie.

We arrived early and had our lunch in the street outside the St. Pio friary. Then we wandered in for orange juice and biscuits and to meet a couple of friars. It was like guess the accent. There was a very Italian sounding monk from Brooklyn and then a monk who looked very Eastern European but then said "hello chief" in a northern accent.

We kicked off with a talk about holiness and were told "it's not enough to pray while your driving to work or in the shower, you need to set aside time for prayer". It's a little sad to think that it's radical to talk about working your life around prayer (rather than fitting prayer in to your life) but it is radical and certainly something Ella and I need to work on. He also talked about love as being about giving yourself and not about feelings which again, is radical but sound.

We had a short break and then piled back in to the church for mass. We celebrated the feast of St. Padre Pio (another fransiscan). The guy with the Italian accent gave the homily which was all about sainthood and how it's about personal holiness and not working miracles or supernatural phenomena. He talked about the universal call to holiness. He talked, like the guy before the mass, about the importance of making time for prayer.

Then we wandered over the road so the male youths could get their football fix, Leona liked watching the football flying high in to the air and coming down again. Because things had been running a little late the football lasted all of three minutes and then it was back to the church for Holy Hour.

For those who don't know, a Holy Hour is an hour of Eucharistic adoration. We began with evening prayer (sung in the Gregorian style) and then knelt and prayed in silence (occasionally interrupted by the singing of songs from the youth200uk songbook). All the while confession was available and a steady stream of young people went to confession. A surprising number actually. To spend an hour in front of the blessed sacrament is a wonderful thing to do.

The day ended with food. Chilli con carne, soup, cakes, all good. Leona made lots of friends and Fr Massie asked me what I thought of the day... I said it was a good thing. It's difficult not to make the following paragraph controversial, because Fr Massie asked me why I thought it was so good when I often do not think things back home are good.

To understand why it's good you have to get away from the aesthetics of the thing. Forget whether it's traditional (monks in habits) or modern (youth200uk song book) or even if it's conservative or liberal. The reason this is good and so much else is pap is simple. Jesus Christ. The whole point of the Church is to meet Christ. It's an icon, a window, a painting, a lens. That's why these faith sharing things are so poor, because the window has become a mirror and Christ is left out of the picture. With the Fransicans in Bradford the window is open and the light is so bright you have to shield your eyes. This is why I call this and this good religious art and this bad. Because the former are windows to God and the latter is puke on a wall.

Anyways, a great day was had by all and I think the kids got a lot out of it. I hope we can go again next month.

From the Catholic Communications Network (£300,000 a year publicity wing of the Catholic Bishops Conference):

A new course specifically for foreign priests wishing to serve the Catholic Church in England and Wales has just started at the northern seminary of Ushaw in Durham. The three week induction programme, endorsed and recommended by the bishops of England and Wales, aims to provide the priests with practical advice and information that will enable them to integrate into UK life and make effective use of their pastoral skills in an alien culture.

What sort of things do alien priests need to know?

The course will seek to dispel unhelpful notions of Britishness, such as maids cycling across village greens, warm beer and drinking tea

The idea that british people drink tea is an "unhelpful notion"?

We do drink tea. Gallons of it. I average three cups a day and I bet the average priest is laughing at how pitifully small that number is. Besides which, knowing about tea is a very helpful notion. If somebody shows up at the presbytery door offering them a cup of tea is a very polite thing to do and if you are an alien priest you can probably break a lot of ice asking your guest how they like it. Then you can sit down and share a cup of tea, perhaps offer a biscuit.

So what do the good bishops of England and Wales (who have 'approved' this course) think is important?

Students will look at issues affecting the Church in England and Wales in the third millennium – power, authority, the role of women, lay/diaconal ministry, ecumenism and much more. This is important preparation for future pastoral work and liturgical celebrations.

Power? Authority? The role of women? Do we even live in the same country?

I went to the meeting for 18-30's youth this evening that I may/may not blog about later (when I have thought of something positive to say about it). After the meeting I was talking (winging) to Fr Massie and he said I sounded like a moaning teenager.

He's hit the nail on the head really. At that meeting I felt like I haven't felt since I was a teenager. I felt lovesick. I haven't felt like that since I was seventeen and I wanted to go around and see Ella but I couldn't because her mum reckoned I had seen enough of her that week.

However I used to feel about religion. It's gone. I miss it. I think they call it "the dark night of the soul". Four years of crap has ground me down.

Update (29th Sept): I feel a lot better now. They reckon Mother Teresa had to cope with fifty years, I got one grumpy evening. I've written two long blog entries all about it but I don't think I'll put them on the blog until I've merged them in to one short one with more positive comments than negative ones (I'll try anyway).

A mass to celebrate 150 years of the Sisters of Mercy in Hull.

I might have gone, only it was held during working hours and by invitation only (it being in a school and all). Ella got an invitation though because she works there.

In the presence of several diocesan priests two students from the school (young people, not priests) gave the homily.

This evening Fr Stephen asked Fr Massie if he knew who would have been responsible. Neither of them knew but the names of some of the school staff were suggested.

So... is it possible for a lay person to be 'responsible' for what happens at a mass? If not who was responsible?

...or am I right in thinking that none of the diocesan clergy think this is important enough to worry about?

From last Sunday's gospel (which every one of them would have read outloud): The man who can be trusted in little things can be trusted in great; the man who is dishonest in little things will be dishonest in great.

Update (30th Sept): I don't know how they got the idea, but I've heard that some folk have interpreted this blog entry as me "having a go" at Fr Stephen. This was definitely not my intention. If anything, I have portrayed him as caring about what goes on. He is definitely a good man and if I have accidentally defamed him here then I apologise. Also, another eyewitness to the conversation between Fr Stephen and Fr Massie tells me that I have it the wrong way around - apparently it was Fr Massie who asked Fr Stephen. Again, apologies if I got it wrong.

whenever the angels and archangels appear, they seem to tell all and sundry not to be afraid... which rather suggests that their general appearance causes some concern...

Quote curtesy of Mulier Fortis (a girl).

Yesterday we had a lovely mass to celebrate 150 years of the sisters of Mercy in Hull. The pupils talked about the Sisters and the time and effort they put in to make the school what it is today. Senior choir sang Ecce Pannis, the suprano/alto duet was a bit nerve wracking but people comented that it was nice, which is always good. The Sisters got a comemorative gift and also some flowers for work they are doing with the sixth form. After the mass we were ussuerd through the library where there was a wonderful display with photos and information about the sisters through the years... even I was in a few! The photos of the staff when the schools merged... I cannot believe how some of the teachers have changed and others barely look older!! There was a feast after but I had to rush off to the Youth Meeting for 18-30s, Helen told me the next day how it was marvellous.

Today there were also two masses for the pupils to attend but I was not able to make those, I am sure they were good though with Fr Stephen preaching, what could go wrong.

The Sisters certainly do good things, Thank you.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me... three french hens... no wait. It's not Christmas. Saturday was an important feast however - michaelmas. The feast of St. Michael and all Angels. This Michaelmas we skipped the french hens and had instead a Chicken, a Duck, and a Goose.

It sounds like a joke, a Chicken, a Duck and a Goose walk in to a bar and the barman says... um... something about having a lot of birds in tonight?

It all began (as many a fine adventure in tradition has done so) with Joanna Bogles book A Book of Feasts and Seasons. The entry for Michaelmas prescribes the consumption of Roast Goose and something they apparently call Blackberries in the south - Brambles to us northern folk. A fine plan, let's buy a goose and have bramble crumble for desert. Mmmmm. So we set the date and invited friends and fambly to attend the approaching feast.

Ella went to P Imison, our local butchers, and ordered a goose (on the way to Bradford as it happens) and we cracked jokes along the lines of "our goose is booked". We were set.

But life, alas, is never simple. Hull City have a football match and Hull FC have a rugby match, all on Michaelmas day. Ella's Dad, Brother and Grandad all have tickets and so they cannot go. No matter, let's have the meal on the sunday... alas... Michelle has a youth mass to attend. What to do? What to do? How about both?

...and so it was, at the last minute, that Michelle went shopping for a second Goose. You can't buy gooses, ahem, I mean geese so Michelle went for a Duck instead - Duck is surely practically the same, I expect they both taste of small pieces of pond soaked bread anyway.

We collected the Goose from P Imison's where the man cleverly remembered our name (not Price... not Priest...) and gave us instructions for cooking it. The, when the time came, we headed over to Fr Massie's.

Fr Massie's? Why yes. Fr Massie has a way bigger house than ours and plates enough for any number of people, which he generously allowed us to use. I've heard any number of stories of frumpy prelates who resent laypeople entering their nice rooms. None of that here, Fr Massie allowed us to use his kitchen, dining room, plates, chairs.. everything really. A very kind thing to do, I'm not sure how I would feel letting people loose in my house unsupervised but he did. Thankyou.

Roasting the duck went okay - we followed the instructions and it seemed to work. Alas, I never can get everything ready at the same time. The duck was ready but the potatoes were not. By the time everything was ready things were cold and then warmed up and then cold again... none of this does anything to enhance the flavour. We gathered around the table and, on Mrs Bogle's advice, we sang "We plough the fields and scatter..." which Fr. Massie said bought back memories of his methodist days.

On the table we had a Pineapple plant which Mr Bashing Secularism rather resented having in his face and we also had a small bowl of chillies. Cyene Chilli Peppers and Pineapple Plants are not usually associated with Michaelmas but the instructions were to have something we grew throughout the year.

Everyone politely didn't mention that the duck was cold and then we had a truly marvelous bramble and apple pie made by Michelle. Mmmmm.

Our Michaelmas tale doesn't end with only one day, however. For the next day it began again. In the morning at Mass, Fr Massie heroically introduced the Missa de Angelis - many have said such things cannot be done with regular run of the mill non-rad-trad congregations but it was and it worked. The Mass of the Angels, on the weekend of Michaelmass. Appropriate indeed.

Straight after mass it was off to the kitchen, this time to cook the goose. Geese are biiiiig and ours took five (!) hours in the oven. In the meantime I popped home and roasted a chicken while Ella went to the Opus Dei day of recollection for women. We rendezvoused at 'put the roast potatoes in' time and left Leona in Ryan Day's capable hands while we cooked.

Midway through cooking I took the goose out to check on it and, disaster, the pan it was in was full of liquid goosefat. I wasn't prepared for a heavy sloshing pan and I spilled about a pint of it all over the floor, the rest of it I poured in to a pint jug, and another two pint jug. Geese produce a lot of fat (which we used to roast the potatoes).

This meal suffered all the problems of the last, I can never get things ready at the same time. However, having learned my lesson yesterday I warmed all the serving dishes so that after we made assorted Family sing "We plough the fields and scatter" all was still (relatively) warm. Goose really is a heavenly meat and joins the ranks of the Berfs and the Lambses. If you haven't had goose I urge you to give it a go. Ella's mum was so impressed she is considering it for Christmas this year.

My mum brought a bramble crumble which was v nice but the custard was a bit stressful. We forgot ours but Fr Massie had some in his cupboard with a best before date of November 2005... I had to run to Beals to get some milk and then when I made the custard up... disaster! It was nothing like custard. Not yellow, not think, not gloopy. I asked my mum for help (I asked Ella but she was no use) any my mum said the custard was fine. Unconvinced I set it on the table. Nobody complained, so maybe mother knows best after all.

After the crumble we had coffee and then port with a variety of cheeses and crackers, around about this time Michelle and Jessica arrived after having been to the youth mass at St. Charles which by all accounts was a success. Eventually the time came to go our separate ways so we waved off the fambly and (with the help of the heroic michelle) we tidied the kitchen.

There was bound to be some kind of problem somewhere along the line and there was... silly James smashed a pot - just as Fr. Massie arrived home. Fortunately it wasn't the one his great grandfather hand crafted from his own kneebone at the battle of trafalgar (I made that up) else I would have been in trouble.

All in all we had a great (if highly stressful) weekend. Thanks to Joanna Bogle for suggesting the thing (via her book) in the first place! Thanks again to Fr. Massie for the use of his house, Thanks to everyone who came the first night for not mentioning that the food was cold and thanks to everyone who came the second night for being patient when everything took hours longer than expected.

I look forward to the next feast day, guardian angels, on 2nd October. We get angel cales (if we're lucky).