Joanna Bogle (the lady who writes nice books about the lives of nuns and how to bake cakes for feast days) writes...

The Catholic Education Service has completely messed up on this one, and heads will have to roll. Not much can be salvaged, and it's time for an admission of mistakes and a chance for a fresh start at the CES.

They were given an excellent opportunity - invited in right at the start of the Govt's discussions, given a place on the planning committee etc. They should have made the Catholic position clear, offered statistics and information showing - which is now readily acknowledged - that current fashionable forms of sex-ed, used for the past two decades, have resulted in steadily rising rates of teenage pregnancy, abortion, and STDs, discussed some radically alternative ideas complete with plenty of back-up material (lots available both here and in the USA, Australia,etc. If then they were outnumbered and the same old ghastly rubbish-ideas were adopted, they should have produced a minority report and resigned - killing two birds with one stone by producing some sound ideas for the future while possibly helping to squelch the Govt scheme. But no. They just sat and nodded the whole project through on the Govt's terms and are now revealed as essentially part of the Govt bureaucracy and unconnected with the reality of the Church and the Christian vision of life and love.

...

Verdict from Catholic laity and clergy: NO CONFIDENCE in the CES in its present form. Time for a complete overhaul. Over to you, dear Bishops - and with the words of the Holy Father ringing in your ears, please take courage and take the action needed.

[link]

Prayers please! I'm going to be on the telly...

Usually on a Sunday at 11am you can find me at St Joseph's for the 11am Mass. This Sunday I will be on BBC1 at 11am taking part in the discussion on The Big Questions.

The subject of the discussion: Is this Pope a liability? So I expect it's going to be mainly about condoms though they may talk about Bishop Williamson, the Good Friday prayers and the Regensberg Lecture. So Pope, TV, Condoms... The whole thing reminds me of when Joanna Bogle was on Channel 4 recently, I hope my experience isn't as intense as hers.

The pannelists on the show will be Christina Rees and David Davis.

Update: For the next seven days you can watch me on iPlayer

I don't understand why Auntie Joanna keeps complaining about ghastly rubbish in the streets and big bins. So negative...

You just have to apply a bit of creative thinking...

More Skip Conversions...

Joanna Bogle she say...

watching a long line of communicants on this Monday January morning - all ages, both sexes, a great mix of people - I had a sudden wish to haul in some of the gleeful doomsayers who love telling us that Everything In the Church These Days is Awful and telling them to be quiet, kneel down, and join in...

...and then she say...

Apparently the bike trade generally didn't do so well this Christmas :"Lots of kids prefer to have computer games and that." Golly. How ghastly. It makes one droop.

When I play the new Zelda - Phantom Hourglass. It makes me want to haul in some of the gleeful doomsayers who love telling us that Everything in Videogames These Days is Awful and telling them to be quiet, sit down, and join in...

I expect staring at a box pushing buttons looks about as fulfilling as kneeling in front of a box fiddling with beads.

Ella and I were feeling a little peckish this evening. We fancied something to eat. But what to have? Somehow the thought of pancakes came to mind.

Now I know how to make Pancakes, but just to be sure I thought I would check the quantities in a cookbook. How handy, just laying around on the table in front of me was Joanna Bogles: A Book of Feasts and Seasons. Despite our previous experience with the Trinity Cake I decided to give it a go...

Pancakes

• 2 eggs
• 4 ozs wholemeal flour
• one pint of creamy milk
• a good pinch of salt
• you can multiply the ingredients as you need for the numbers of people

Hmm. I thought. Those quantities are not what I was expecting. My list was 2 eggs, 8oz flour and a pint of milk. I decided to check it out. Student Grub agreed. Though being frugal they listed 1 egg, 4oz flour and a half pint of milk.

There I was, all ready to write another blog entry about Joanna Bogle's rare case of flour quantity halving brain disease when I decided to check out that other Catholic Cookbook Author. Delia Smith on the BBC website...

For the pancake mixture:

• 110g/4oz plain flour, sifted
• pinch of salt
• 2 eggs
• 200ml/7fl oz milk mixed with 75ml/3fl oz water
• 50g/2oz butter

Delia agrees with Joanna on the flour and eggs but... what's this? Instead of a pint of milk (creamy milk, no less) Delia wants me to add water to my milk. Watery pancakes!? Has she gone mad?

I can only conclude that Catholic Cookbook authors do not know how to make pancakes. So, I will share with you my pancake method.

Simple Pancake Recipe

• 8oz plain flour
• 2 eggs
• a pint of milk
• cooking oil

Now, remember these important steps. Firstly you must sift the flour, this helps mix a smoother batter. Joanna doesn't mention the sifting but it is crucial. Delia says to sift your flour in to a large mixing bowl but she is sorely mistaken. Use a measuring jug, then batter mixture won't slosh up over the sides as you whisk and it's easier to pour the batter in to the pan.

The mixing of the batter should be done as follows. Put your flour in your jug and add the two eggs (you will need to remove the shells). Next, try in vain to whisk the eggs in to the flour. It won't work of course, you will end up with a ball of dough on the end of your whisk. Get a second measuring jug (the James method requires two measuring jugs) and put a pint of milk in it. Joanna is correct to say that creamy milk is better. If Delia tries to put any water in your milk then you should probably bray er eddin.

Add a little milk to your doughy ball on the end of a whisk and whisk some more. Then add a little more milk. Whisk then add milk then whisk then add milk etc. You doughy ball will gradually become a wetter sloppier ball and you will gradually find you are no longer banging a sloppy ball of dough around the bottom of a jug but are instead whisking a smooth batter. This method is great because you don't get bits of flour stuck to the edges at the end as the sloppy ball gathers them all up in the early stages and you don't get lumps because there is never a large quantity of milk with bits in.

Now, Delia says to get the pan "really hot" while Joanna says "very hot". If you are like me then you will follow these instructions literally and your pan will be too hot. You need your pan hot enough that when the batter hits the pan if makes a 'pishhhhh' noise as you swirl. Put some oil in the pan, I use standard vegetable oil. Delia actually suggests melting butter in a separate pan and spooning it over. What?

How much oil? I use the same amount for everything I cook. Just do a splosh on to the pan, your aiming for a blob about the size of a digestive biscuit. Now for the pouring of the batter...

Delia says some nonsense about using a ladle to put batter in the pan, that's because she made that error earlier with the mixing bowl. If you made your batter in a jug then just pour away. If you are ambidextrous you can pour with one hand and swirl the pan with the other. Who said making pancakes was easy? Pouring and swirling is important because it helps spread the oil across the underside of the pancake.

Pour in just enough batter to cover the bottom of the pan nicely. There is no correct amount, because pans come in different sizes. Delia finds 2tbsp is right for an 18cm pan. Friends don't let friends measure pans (cake tins is different).

Use some kind of flat implement (we've got a wooden fish slice but you could use a palette knife as Delia suggests) to lift the edges as it cooks. The top will turn from batter colour (pretty much white) to pancake colour (also pretty white but slightly browner). Let the pancake be, don't prod it too much. Occasionally give the pan a little shuffle side to side to see if you can slide the pancake around.

The next part Joanna Bogle gets nearly right and Delia gets wrong wrong wrong. Delia says: "Flip the pancake over with a pan slice or palette knife". What??? Joanna is right when she says "Everyone who wants to do so should be allowed to take his turn at tossing his own pancake. The object of tossing, of course, is to make sure it is cooked on both sides. It is no mean feat to flip over a half-cooked pancake by tossing it into the air: some people get the knack straight away and some never make it happen properly.

Joanna is only nearly right. What is this "Everyone who wants to do so"? Pancake flipping is compulsory (except for babies). If you follow Delia's advice and use a pan slice or palette knife to flip your pancake then you are in a sorry state indeed.

If you throw your pancake on the floor, just start again. The eggs, milk and batter cost you about £1.50 and this wholesome family fun is much cheaper than a trip to the pictures. Once you get the hang of tossing you will find no sooner have you tossed your pancake than the pancake is finished and ready for eating.

Stack the pancakes between layer of greaseproof paper. I find they are quite hot and stay warm enough without any of that simmering water nonsense Delia would have you doing. She is now up to three pans (pancakes, butter and water), a mixing bowl, a measuring jug, a palette knife, a ladle, a teaspoon a tablespoon, and a pan slice. Whose going to do all that washing up. Using my method you have used one pan, two measuring jugs, a whisk and a fish slice.

When it comes to toppings, Joanna says Lemon Juice and Brown Sugar. Delia says Lemon Juice and Caster Sugar. They can argue that one out among themselves. When we visited Madonna House in Robin Hoods Bay they gave us pancakes with ice cream and cranberries and maple syrup. Mmmm. Now that was nice (if a little Canadian). I tend to go the Lemon Juice and Caster Sugar option myself though a little Golden Syrup is lovely.

If all that is a much to take in, just follow James' handy tips:

• 2 eggs, 8oz flour, milk.
• No water in the milk.
• Sift the flour.
• Mix in a jug.
• Start with flour, add eggs. Then Mix in the milk gradually.
• Don't overheat the pan.
• Don't skip the flipping.
• Have fun.

I leave you now, with a disturbing cartoon about pancakes.

A change of mind: Michelle was round and we made pancakes again. I told her my opinion of Delia and her watery pancakes and Michelle set me right. A little water (just a splash) in the batter actually does improve the pancakes! The batter runs in to the pan better and produces thinner crispier (not too crispy mind) more flavoursome pancakes. Still, I'm not convinced Delia is right to put replace a full third of her milk with water, but she's not entirely wrong.

Ella and I recently acquired a copy of A Book of Feasts and Seasons by Joanna Bogle. Unfortunately it arrived after Pentecost so we have been counting the days (not many) until the next feast in the book. Trinity Sunday. Joanna says...

Try a trinity pineapple cake. It's so called because you use three pineapple rings to make a symbol of the Trinity on the top of the cake.

You will need:

• 4 oz. butter or margarine
• 4 oz. castor or granulated sugar
• 4 oz. self-raising flour
• two beaten eggs

and for the filling:

• 3 oz. softened butter
• 5 oz. icing sugar
• one tin of pineapple slices (NOT chunks)

And so we amassed our ingredients and followed the instructions. All was well, er, ish... I asked Ella to write about it:

After having sorted a space in the kitchen from the night before I got going, whisked my butter and sugar, then added my whisked eggs and then the flour slowly. Yes, a Victoria sponge, now I have made Victoria sponges before but this one came out more like a biscuit (I naturally meant to produce it that way). I also had the fun of trying to remember what temperature you put a sponge in at as Joanna forgot to mention it. While my cake was "rising" I made the filling. Now it is customary, when adding the juice of the pineapple to remember to add it bit by bit, thus getting a correct thickness. I forgot to do this and it was more like a pineapple soup rather than filling, well there was no saving it... we tried. It is also helpful to buy pineapple rings, as Joanna says, rather than chunks which is what I had. Luckily we made them in to rings and it all worked. We invited my mother and brother round for some delicious trinity pineapple biscuit with interesting layering. Better luck last time, though it was rather nice.

The first problem we had was of Joanna's making. We are but poor humble inexperienced at cooking types and so we had no idea what temperature to heat the oven and unfortunately she neglected to tell us! Secondly, the quantities are far too small - the bottoms of our cake tins were barely covered. Twenty minutes later we had, as Ella put it, biscuits.

The best disaster was of Ella's making. Having produced a marvelous butter cream filling she then proceeded to dump an entire tin of pineapple juice in to it. Oops. We tried to save it by adding more icing sugar and butter but it was too late. We just had to spoon it on as best we could.

Another problem... when we went to the cupboard the tins of pineapple were all... chunks. Fortunately James was on hand with his artistic skills and saved the day with his marvelous pineapple rendition of a trinity symbol. Check out all it's majesty.

We had a great time and it was yummy. We're now looking forward to St. Alban's day (June 20th) when baby Leona will be miming his conversion story while we sing his hymn and then June 24th is the birthday of John the Baptist when we get Ginger Beer, Summer Pudding and Carob cake. Whatever that is... I'll keep you posted.

Update: Joanna kindly replied to my email with the following:

Well, you are absolutely RIGHT about the amounts....this is the first time anyone has pointed it out, but the amount of flour is all wrong!!! For that amount of butter, it needs EIGHT ounces of flour! No wonder the two halves of the cake came out as biscuits. Oh, gulp. That book has been in print for 20 years and the half-amount of flour has never, ever been noticed before....

Sorry!!

...and the oven temperature?

I would just say "moderate oven". Gas mark 5/6.

I am now producing a new book, and have worked to put all the amounts in both grammes and AND pounds and ounces. Oh, and I've had to add American measurements too....