Few words strike more fear in to the heart of decent tasteful people than these...

Hello Ella,

Father William has asked for different music for the web site home page.
Do you have a piece in a suitable format? - the site currently used the attached file which many people find a bit annoying (but I like it)
Regards

Alex

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I am most definitely in the "many people find a bit annoying" camp. My website is not one of those musical birthday cards so I choose not to have annoying music in the background. Of course, this is not like the digital hymnal which is plain wrong, this is a matter of good taste.

Midi files were invented in 1450 by the Spanish Inquisition for the purpose of torturing babies. It is no wonder then, that they are used now on Catholic Parish Websites clearly demonstrating the link between Catholic Parishes and the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, the use of Midi files on the West Hull Parishes Website proves without a shadow of a doubt that Fr. Massie is one of those dark priests who wan't a return to the dark times. His use of the digital hymnal merely serves to seal the deal.

Even the Spanish Inquisition though could never have imagined the nightmarish sound produced by a modern PC with a low end sound card (that's practically all of them by the way, nobody thinks about sound when they buy a PC). However, because I am a faithful Catholic I am therefore bound by the reign of terror to put my IT skills to the test and aid Alex in his quest to serve the Fearful Father Massie in the search for tinny website music.

I thought it best to start with a religious theme. Websites are modern and so they should have modern hymns. Perhaps Shine Jesus Shine would be appropriate or Morning has Broken? Oh wait. I forgot, those are not modern. Those are ancient and dull. Slightly newer we have Majesty (as seen every week in the Exeter Chaplaincy for five years and maybe still) or maybe that classic Deer Pants.

Then I thought about more classic hymns, I'm a huge fan of welsh valley choir stuff so I think Guide me O Thou Great Redeemer would be great. There's always Be Thou My Vision. In our Gregorian Chant section we have the Salve Regina (as featured at the Hull Faith Forum) and the Missa de Angelis Gloria, the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei, I am a fan of the Sanctus. If your website has a Funerals section you could use Nearer my God to Thee or you could go for something cheerier like Old Rugged Cross. Other Catholic Hymns for use on your parish website include Crown him with many crowns and Give Thanks.

Of course, you could go the classical route. Schubert's Ave Maria, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring or Vivaldi's Gloria are options. If you are feeling christmassy you could have Joy to the World.

But of course, how narrow minded of me. There are not only hymns to choose from. You could tailor your choice of theme to your particular parish. For intatnce, if you are St. Vincent's Parish and your parish priest is Fr. Michael White you might go for the theme from knightrider. If you are in Cottingham and you have Fr. Pat then Postman Pat is maybe too obvious so what about Chuckle Vision. St. John of Beverley could use Beverley Hills Cop 90210.

You could of course choose different themes for different sections of your parish website. The Gregorian Chant section could use the theme from Jurassic Park (listen for the semitone). Your evangelisation page could use Mission Impossible. Your youth group page could have Monkey Island. If you have pages about the Saints you could use Danger Mouse (for Leo the Great perhaps?) or The A-Team - If you have a problem, and no-one else can help, maybe you can pray to, the Angels. The Indinana Jones theme should be reserved for particularly adventerous saints.

If your site is really detailed then within your funeral/bereavement section you may want to have a page about solving murders (because you never know...). We recommend: Poirot, Dick Van Dyke, Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders. You should avoid the use of Fr Dowling for the solving of murders because he is, of course, a fictional TV priest. Speaking of fictional TV priests, you can't have a cheesy parish website without a bit of Fr Ted.

Finally, you could base your choice of music on your nationality. If you are a welsh parish you could go with Ivor the Engine while Italian Parishes might prefer The Italian Job.

So, there are your options. Catholic Parishes will never be the same again. One for all and all for one!

Update: Alex went with 'As the Deer' and very tasteful it is too. Also, I bumped in to him after mass on the 29th and he said he doesn't like having music on the website eithe but he keeps it there because people want it. Who are these 'people'?