Here's a great idea. Only got one bod? With modern technology you can splice yourself together and sing with yourself. Sing Zelda with yourself.

This first one is full of ethnic goodness (and he looks a bit like Ben)...

This second one is awesome...

This one feels more acheivable by ordinary human beings (Yay Gerudo!)...

Okay, okay! Last one... This guy has the same instruments that Ella and I have. We could learn to do this one.. and it's my favouritest of Zelda tunes!

Go around and Around!

I hope they made you as happy as they made me.

Are these people for real?

Zap!

I've heard priests ask "why is it so hard to get an organist these days" and I've seen priests spend hundreds of pounds on digital hymnals (electronic automatic organists) but I've yet to see a priest spend any money on the training of musicians. Across our diocese, how many young people and teenagers are being sponsored by the Church to take lessons as organists? Why is it so hard to get an organist these days? It's not rocket science.

Training of "extraordinary" ministers - Yes. Training of "ordinary" musicians - Nope.

Don't even get me started on chant.

A Church which only makes use of 'utility' music has fallen for what is, in fact, useless. She too becomes ineffectual. For her mission is a fair higher one...The Church must not settle down with what is merely comfortable and serviceable at the parish level; she must arouse the voice of the cosmos and, by glorifying the Creator, elicit the glory of the cosmos itself, making it also glorious, beautiful, habitable and beloved. Next to the saints, the art which the Church has produced is the only real 'apologia' for her history...The Church is to transform, improve, 'humanize' the world--but how can she do that if at the same time she turns her back on beauty, which is so closely allied to love? For together, beauty and love form the true consolation in this world, bringing it as near as possible to the world of the resurrection. The Church must maintain high standards; she must be a place where beauty can be at home; she must lead the struggle for that 'spiritualisation' without which the world becomes the 'first circle of hell'.

[link]

First circle of hell? That reminds me of something...

From Jeffrey Tucker...

What is truly tragic is that no one has alerted you to the real significance of chant. It goes far beyond using a chant as one of the four songs you can pick for Mass. The Gregorian chant grew up alongside the Mass itself, one step at a time. Some might date from the early Church, which sang the Psalms exclusively. The tradition developed as the liturgy developed over the next one thousand years as the parts of the Mass were organized and systemized into a liturgical year. There was music to go with the prayers. It was sung by martyrs and saints and heard in all times and all nations where the faith thrived.

The essential musical structure of the Mass as it emerged in the middle ages had an Entrance prayer that was set to chant. This is called the Introit. Sometimes you hear the first word of the chant used to describe the Mass of the day. This is where we get the terms "Gaudete Sunday," "Laetare Sunday," and "Requiem Mass." What is called the "gathering song" or the "processional hymn" is really a replacement for this Introit.

When Vatican II said that the chant should have primacy, what it means is that this Introit should be sung, and that when it is not possible to sing it, the preference for chant still remains.

It is true with other parts of the Mass too. The Offertory is not a musical intermission but the name of a real prayer that is set to music. The same is true of Communion. These are gorgeous chants. Even the Psalm has a melody in the chant books. The more you get to know these treasures, the more it strikes you just how unified the text and the music are. Their assignment is not at all random.

Often the melody clearly reflects the story of the text, so that the melody goes up when speaking of Heaven and down when speaking of humility. The complexity of them can be enrapturing the more you study them. You find beautiful presentations of Gospel narratives and parables. Each chant serves a particular musical function. The Introit and Offertory are processional chants, for example, so they have a forward motion with less elaborate musical expression on individual words. The Psalm chants are more for reflection, so they are long and elaborate.

The chant, then, is not just one choice among many. It is the music of the Mass itself, and the only form of music that truly qualifies by definition. The chants mentioned above are called "propers" and they change week to week. There are also chants for the "ordinary" of the Mass, so-called because their text remains the same. There are parts for the people: Kyrie, Gloria, Credo, Agnus Dei. You have heard a few of these, most likely the ones people have started to sing for Lent. But the Church has given us fully 18 sets of these pieces of music, and you can see from their structure that they are intended for everyone to sing.

In the experience of our parish, people can pick up these ordinary chants rather quickly. They love singing them. They don't need accompaniment. They use the human voice alone, the very instrument that God has given all of us. This way there is an absence of elitism in this music. It needs no specialists who know how to play piano and guitar and drums. Actually, you don't even need the music really. In fact, for the first thousand years of Christianity, the chant was sung without being written out in a way that could be widely distributed. It was learned and carried forward by frequency of use, the way people learn "Praise and Worship" music today.

There are other marks of chant that make it distinctive. It lacks a regular beat-style rhythm such as that we hear in rock, country, soul, blues, or any other style. It is what is called plainsong, so there is an underlying pulse but it doesn't cause you to want to tap your toe or dance. What it does do is draw the senses upward toward the Heavens. It assists in the goal of all liturgy, which is to take us out of time and help us pray and listen to eternal things. In contrast, music with a beat keeps us grounded and internal.

Another feature of chant is its humility. A major problem with Praise and Worship music is that it tends to focus everyone on the person doing the performing. The bands are featured in the front of the church. The band members are showered with complements. The singing style elicits a kind of egoism that probably makes you uncomfortable but is integral to popular styles. Chant is completely different because it does not seek to put the talent of the singer on exhibit. Instead, it is all about community prayer. The ego is buried. It doesn't unleash the self but rather requires a submission of self to holiness. In this way, it is like the faith: as St. John Baptist said, let me decrease and let him increase in me. This is what the chant does – what the chant requires.

You are right to suspect that chant requires a substantial change of pace. It is not just a matter of substituting one song for another. The chant leads the embrace of a completely different approach to liturgy itself. The music serves the liturgy and the liturgy serves God. Where does that leave the singers and the community? Precisely where we should be: not as consumers but as servants.

You are all too aware that you were cheated out of a robust form of Catholicism when growing up, not by design but merely because of the unfortunate timing. These were difficult days. In the same way that many aspects of the faith were not well presented to you, the music of the Church has not been presented to you either. But you were born into these times, as a musician, for a reason. Perhaps you are being called to make a difference.

The Pope has made the restoration of sacred music a centerpiece of his liturgical goals. He speaks about the issue often, and has written so much about it. Perhaps it is time to consider that he is onto something profoundly important here.

[link]

I don't know what I can add to that...

Is it not enough to cheat my generation? Must we cheat my children as well?

For Mark...

"I found the Baby Piano in Inverness.The ukulele was a broken one I had laying around.I just put two and two together, seamed sensible to me."

This is a lie. The photos are fake. Do not believe it.

Children cannot possibly learn Chant.

Nope.

Definitely not.

Never.

You'll be expecting Leona to walk next!

Learning to sing, is, of course, impossible. Which is why this course is a waste of time:

Learn to Sing

A free 5 week course for all ages, aimed at newcomers to singing and those who have not sung for a while.

Starting on Tuesday 23rd September, 7pm at the Main Hall, Brittain Building, Teesside University, Borough Road.

[link]

If it were possible for people to learn to sing (which of course, it isn't) then when when our parish was faced with an absence of musicians, people could have simply learned to sing (but that can't be done) instead of it being seen of a desperate situation requiring a digital organist because "people can't sing if there is no music".

If, like me, you're not part of the current loser generation of rapidly ageing people who seem to think they invented sex (and English) and the world started in 1962 then you probably don't find the idea of experimenting with things that were commonplace in the Church for say, hundreds of years, terrifying.

If that's you, then you might be interested in this: An Idiot's Guide to Square Notes.

But remember, only people that can already sing can sing and those people just don't exist in the Church these days. If they did, you'd see them on X-Factor.

So let me get this right? Old ladies... Fr Stephen... a Piano... and you want me to pay £12 for the pleasure? Get thee thou out of here. If Fr Stephen has anything useful to say he can bally well say it for free. It's blatantly just him showing off on the piano while old ladies coo over him and tell him how lovely he is. I want to throw up. So sayeth the James. It didn't help much that when Ella asked Fr Stephen about it he said "You'll have to come to find out". When Ella told him I thought it would be just him playing the piano he told her "James hasn't been to one, that's the trouble with blogging, people don't invite you to things for fear of being blogged about".

Ella wanted to go, so we went. £24 between us. That's more than the cinema that is!

It were right good.

Fans of GK Chesterton will know what I am on about when I say that Chesterton was very fond of stories as a means to convey the truth. Chesterton points out that the good stories are those that, in some way or another, tell the story. A short summary of Fr. Stephen's musical retreat might be to say that what GK Chesterton did with fairy tales, Fr. Stephen Maughan did with music. If anything, it works better with Music - you cannot tell a story at the same time as you talk about the story, but you can play music as you talk about music.

He began by talking about themes, he played the hovis theme and then asked us what we were thinking about. Even those of us not born in the 70's were thinking of bread. He then described how Dvorak was in south america in the middle of nowhere when he wrote the piece, trying to describe the most beautiful sunset he had ever seen. Words failed him, so he wrote music instead. Fr Stephen then played the music at it's proper speed (much slower) and we dreampt of sunsets. He played some themes from films such as ET, Star Wars and Superman and talked about Nessun Dorma and his frustration that this theme is so often played and ends with a single chord when it should seque in to the rest of the story. Of course, nobody knows the story (they don't speak Italian for a start), they just like the nice music.

Fr. Stephen pointed out that Nessun Dorma alone makes little sense without the rest of the story and suggested that the same is happening today with Advent. People know the Christmas songs but they make no sense on their own. They end like Nessun Dorma with a single chord on Christmas day an make no sense because they do not continue in to Easter. He showed us Madonna of the Meadow by Giovanni Bellini and Michaelangelo's Pieta. Pointing out that when the Angel comes to Mary and she says "Yes" and we say "Isn't it lovely" we really need to think about what she is saying "Yes" too.

Next he talked about variations. Focussing on Elgar's Variations. Elgar started with a theme and then wrote variations based around people he knew. The point is this, the variations were totally different and reflected the different people's lives and personalities. However, the theme is the same. In the Christian life, the theme is Christ and our lives should be variations on his life. Fr. Stephen suggested that as an examination of conciense we think about how our own variation on the theme might sound if Elgar were to write a variation based on our lives. Would there be any part of the music we would want to change?

Finally, he talked about the Church as Fugue. Having overheard a man describe the Church as a Fugue he explored the idea. This was particularly interesting for me as I got to learn not only Fr. Stephen's point but also what a fugue actually is. The shortest description I can think of is that it's a bit like if Elgar's variations all happened at the same time... no, that's a rubbish description. How about if I just say that this is one. Once again, Fr. Stephen talked about Jesus Christ as the central theme and our lives as variations upon it. Lest this sound like religious pluralism (we're all different and nobody is wrong) Fr. Stephen was very clear on the point that the original theme had to be the same and suggested John 3:16 as the central theme.

My description only skims the surface really, if Fr. Stephen does another one of these (and I hope he does) then you should all go. It's well worth £12 and very good.

Few words strike more fear in to the heart of decent tasteful people than these...

Hello Ella,

Father William has asked for different music for the web site home page.
Do you have a piece in a suitable format? - the site currently used the attached file which many people find a bit annoying (but I like it)
Regards

Alex

[attachment]

I am most definitely in the "many people find a bit annoying" camp. My website is not one of those musical birthday cards so I choose not to have annoying music in the background. Of course, this is not like the digital hymnal which is plain wrong, this is a matter of good taste.

Midi files were invented in 1450 by the Spanish Inquisition for the purpose of torturing babies. It is no wonder then, that they are used now on Catholic Parish Websites clearly demonstrating the link between Catholic Parishes and the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, the use of Midi files on the West Hull Parishes Website proves without a shadow of a doubt that Fr. Massie is one of those dark priests who wan't a return to the dark times. His use of the digital hymnal merely serves to seal the deal.

Even the Spanish Inquisition though could never have imagined the nightmarish sound produced by a modern PC with a low end sound card (that's practically all of them by the way, nobody thinks about sound when they buy a PC). However, because I am a faithful Catholic I am therefore bound by the reign of terror to put my IT skills to the test and aid Alex in his quest to serve the Fearful Father Massie in the search for tinny website music.

I thought it best to start with a religious theme. Websites are modern and so they should have modern hymns. Perhaps Shine Jesus Shine would be appropriate or Morning has Broken? Oh wait. I forgot, those are not modern. Those are ancient and dull. Slightly newer we have Majesty (as seen every week in the Exeter Chaplaincy for five years and maybe still) or maybe that classic Deer Pants.

Then I thought about more classic hymns, I'm a huge fan of welsh valley choir stuff so I think Guide me O Thou Great Redeemer would be great. There's always Be Thou My Vision. In our Gregorian Chant section we have the Salve Regina (as featured at the Hull Faith Forum) and the Missa de Angelis Gloria, the Sanctus and the Agnus Dei, I am a fan of the Sanctus. If your website has a Funerals section you could use Nearer my God to Thee or you could go for something cheerier like Old Rugged Cross. Other Catholic Hymns for use on your parish website include Crown him with many crowns and Give Thanks.

Of course, you could go the classical route. Schubert's Ave Maria, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring or Vivaldi's Gloria are options. If you are feeling christmassy you could have Joy to the World.

But of course, how narrow minded of me. There are not only hymns to choose from. You could tailor your choice of theme to your particular parish. For intatnce, if you are St. Vincent's Parish and your parish priest is Fr. Michael White you might go for the theme from knightrider. If you are in Cottingham and you have Fr. Pat then Postman Pat is maybe too obvious so what about Chuckle Vision. St. John of Beverley could use Beverley Hills Cop 90210.

You could of course choose different themes for different sections of your parish website. The Gregorian Chant section could use the theme from Jurassic Park (listen for the semitone). Your evangelisation page could use Mission Impossible. Your youth group page could have Monkey Island. If you have pages about the Saints you could use Danger Mouse (for Leo the Great perhaps?) or The A-Team - If you have a problem, and no-one else can help, maybe you can pray to, the Angels. The Indinana Jones theme should be reserved for particularly adventerous saints.

If your site is really detailed then within your funeral/bereavement section you may want to have a page about solving murders (because you never know...). We recommend: Poirot, Dick Van Dyke, Murder She Wrote, Midsomer Murders. You should avoid the use of Fr Dowling for the solving of murders because he is, of course, a fictional TV priest. Speaking of fictional TV priests, you can't have a cheesy parish website without a bit of Fr Ted.

Finally, you could base your choice of music on your nationality. If you are a welsh parish you could go with Ivor the Engine while Italian Parishes might prefer The Italian Job.

So, there are your options. Catholic Parishes will never be the same again. One for all and all for one!

Update: Alex went with 'As the Deer' and very tasteful it is too. Also, I bumped in to him after mass on the 29th and he said he doesn't like having music on the website eithe but he keeps it there because people want it. Who are these 'people'?