Oof - It was an iron bar! No seriously, Paul Inwood walks in to his local and the barman... the barperson asks him what he would like to drink. Ordering a small glass of his favourite fair trade sparkling white wine he takes a seat at the bar. Over the next few hours he drinks heavily - three, maybe four sips before he starts to sing. His singing is bothering the other customers and one of them complains to the barperson who wanders over to where Paul is sitting and asks him to stop.

"Do you know who I am?" he says. "I'm Paul Inwood, I'm Director of Liturgy at Portsmouth Diocese. My name is in the back of hymnals and song books. If I want to sing, I'm going to sing!" "Yeah right" says the barman, "and I'm the King of England. I think you've had enough to drink today."

"I can prove it to you" says Inwood, "You pick any word you like, and I will get it sung at Church - though obviously it can't be a swearword". "That's easy", the barperson retorts. "You'll just slip my word in to verse three and have it sung at a youth mass, you can get people to sing anything at those".

"Wow..." says Paul, "You seem to know a lot about liturgy! Have you been to one of my days for Musicians?"

"Listen", says the barperson. "If you really want to prove yourself as undisputed Lord of the Sings, you're going to have to do something really special". "Like what?" Inwood asks. "Well, for a start, hymns are too easy - you can have any words you like, if you want to impress me you will need to get my word in to the Gospel Acclamation. The Church provides the words of the Gospel Acclamation as part of the Mass so it's not like you can just write your own."

"That's easy" Paul responds, "We've been writing our own Gospel Acclamations for ages, though we call them 'Alleluias' because 'Acclamations' is a long word so it's a bit exclusive. We also write our own Glorias and Holy Holies..." The barperson interrupts "Holy Holies? Do you mean the Sanctus?" "Now that sounds like Latin" replies Inwood. "You're not one of those traditionalists are you?"

"You also have to get it published by a proper music publisher" the barman adds, "Somebody with a website". "That's easy as well" says Paul Inwood. "My mates at OCP will publish anything".

"Well" says the barperson. "You haven't heard my choice of word yet. Before I tell you, let's make a deal. If you manage to get this word in a published alleluia you get free drinks here for a year. If you fail, you are barred - for life"

"Sounds fair" says Paul Inwood. "What's the word?"

So the barman says... "Well, I'm a big David Bowie fan. You know his song: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?"

"Changes? Inwood replies, "As in... The changes after Vatican II? Surely that's too easy."

"No" the barman says "Not 'changes' - that would be easy!"

"So what's the word then?"

"Ch-Ch."

"Ch-Ch?"

"Ch-Ch."

"Really?"

"Yes"

"Is that even a word?" Paul Inwood asks. The barperson leans forward.. "It's my bar and my challenge. If I say it's a word, it's a word. Now finish your fair trade wine and don't come back unless you get that alleluia published."

So Paul Inwood gets up to leave and the barperson says... "Why the long face?"

...

As punchlines go, that one's not very good.

Speaking of not very good. Have you heard the latest alleluia by Paul Inwood?

Flashback one week. "James, On Saturday 20th of October there's a day for Musicians being ran in Scarbrough by Paul Inwood ,do you wan't to go?"

Hmmm. Paul Inwood. I know the name but where from... oh yeah... I pull out Hymns Old and New to find his name in the 'By Author' section. He's not got much to his name in there but that's where I know the name. I do a quick google and one of the pages mentions Introits. "Yeah, okay, let's go to Scarbrough and see what it's like".

Suddenly, it's like Paul Inwood mania.

Fr. Z has gets hold of an email from Paul Inwood about the Motu Proprio allowing the celebration of the old rite. It's not good.

I attach an information piece that is due to appear in the forthcoming issue of our diocesan newspaper. I hope it will clarify some of the issues, particularly as regards our view that the Motu Proprio does not require bishops to provide training for priests or people who may become interested in the pre-conciliar form of the Roman Rite (now described by the Pope himself as "extraordinary" in the sense of "not normative"), but only asks them to make provision for those who have in the past made known their interest in a consistent and organized fashion.

Best wishes,

Paul Inwood

In one of the comments Berenike says:

Paul Inwood is a Haugen/Hass wannabe, if I am thinking of the right man, and I think I am. Vague memories of various Plymouth horror stories are stirring, but I can't remember what they are. Probably as well for my charity levels.

Next, on the Telegraph Blogs Damian Thompson weighs in with 'Is this why Catholics can't sing?'

Paul Inwood has made a fine living composing banal ditties

You can find excerpts from Inwood's music here (click on "compositions"). Warning: your toes will curl. Yet his music has featured in more TV and radio broadcasts of Catholic liturgies than that of any other living composer. And he also sits on the liturgical formation sub-committee of the Bishops' Conference.

...

A typical Inwood tune meanders up and down the scale, jumping the same intervals, supported by droopy harmonies. Many of the melodies are virtually indistinguishable from each other: you could programme a computer to write something very similar. (As an experiment, I have just sung the instructions on a packet of soap powder to an Inwood-style melody – it's very easy to do.)

...

How much money, I wonder, has the Catholic Church spent on this dreary stuff over the years?

Then, the Bishop of Portsmouth decides Paul Inwood's piece won't be appearing in the Diocesan Newspaper after all.

Most recently, it's back to the Telegraph where Damian Thompson is asking awkward financial questions about the Diocese of Portsmouth.

Magnificat publishes Masses that are used by hundreds of churches; many of these works were commissioned by Catholic dioceses. I’d like to know more about the company’s financial relationship – if any – to diocesan organisations in England and Wales.

Presumably, the many liturgical workshops run by Mr Inwood and advertised on the Magnificat website do not overlap with his role as salaried director of liturgy in any way. And presumably all the music sold by Magnificat is written in his spare time. I say “presumably” because Portsmouth has not answered any of the questions I emailed to its director of communications. I cannot even tell you how much Mr Inwood is paid. I also do not know the identity of the diocesan employee who is paid between £60,000 and £70,000 a year, according to Portsmouth’s 2006 accounts.

You can find excerpts from Mr Inwood’s pieces here (click on “compositions”). Incredibly, there is a hugely lucrative market in this liturgical pap, which elderly bishops think appeals to “young people”. But it’s not exactly an open market. When a diocese commissions a new Mass, the list of composers it considers is, shall we say, rather short.

So, lot's going on there then. The Music Day in Scarbrough should be interesting. I'll let you know how it goes.